WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

     WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in
     the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers,
     with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and
     Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

     CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
     of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

     HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
     Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of
     Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

     CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
     Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
     Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

     ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
     Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May
     Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear
     at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
     Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
     Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

     READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
     Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
     Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the
     Next Four Hundred Million Years.

     THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
     Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a
     Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

     ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
     Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
     Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.